I got a new stalker who spews hate towards me yet obsessively visited this blog 55 times in the past day and a half. You don’t have to do much to pick one up, as the Pulsers know.

This is clearly a Blog Troll. I came across this blogging service – you can rent a “Blog Troll” from a website called www.sanestorm.com. How funny is this?

blog troll consulting and provisioning
what is it?

A blog troll is an obnoxious, hurtful and incredibly valuable loser who, for whatever reason, is both obsessd by and constantly annoyed with, and deeply offended by everything you write on your blog. And while you can ban him/her from commenting on your site — they’ll come back as alts and you can ban them, too — you can’t ban them from commenting on other sites and pointing back to your blog, and you can’t ban them from posting things on their own blog that point back to your site.

And you really, really wouldn’t want to.

Because a blog troll will provide you with more traffic to your blog than an interview with William Shatner, a brief affair with Amanda Congdon, or even a pointer from BoingBoing.

Why? Because being hated is interesting, and tons of people will want to know why this freak has it in for you. That makes you special. That makes you interesting. Nobody targets a nobody.

what does blog troll consulting and provisioning involve?

Basically, one or more of our writers will take the time to get to know your blog and despise it and you and everything you stand for. We will come to believe that we can see inside your soul and understand you better than you know yourself. We will end up RSSing every page of your blog to watch for comments on comments. We will Technoratti your name and the names of everything you’ve ever written.

It’s like stalking, but legal and not dangerous.

Then, once we’re really steeped in your escence, we’ll start unleashing a torrent of troll posts on other folks’ blogs, on new blogs that we’ll create just for this purpose, etc. And on sites like Digg, we’ll consistently try to un-Digg your blog, which will only get it more attention, as everybody knows that total morons that Dugg stuff for lame reasons get just as much air-time as truly interesting, valid posts.

If you don’t want us to troll for you, we can also consult with friends and relatives of yours and provide them with training in how to drive “invert-negative” traffic to your site.
why do this?

Two words: Atten-shun.
why do it with sanestorm?

We’re blog people. We know this language. We understand how to be truly annoying in ways that aren’t obviously so. We know how to tweak the grognards, the wonks, the beardy types and the pointy-heads. Nothing generates interest in your blog more than some total asshat saying that it sucks.

And, depending on your needs, we can charge by the hour, the word or based on your increased page-views or unique visitors. No matter your budget, we have a troll package that’s right for you.

Stop blogging in the desert. If your light is under a bushel, let a troll guide others to it by pissing on it.

I get email.

Sometimes I get, “I disagree with your point” or “Did you know there’s a problem with your site?” (Thanks very nice person, Jake!) Unfortunately, this is not one of them.

StalkerJones is a mean one. He/she writes (and by the way, I’m MW):

MW’s Business model: Ambulance chase, scam people by writing about scams, and hope they click on affiliate links.

You are nothing but an ambulance chaser and it seems that you write about nothing of true value anymore. If you continue to write about the low-lifes that you choose to write about, what does that make you? An ultra low-life.

I know, I know, what you write about may pull in traffic, but if your main concern is monetizing traffic, setup a porn site.

Let’s see if in 2008 you will make a difference in this world, instead of contributing to the downfall of it….

Game on, StalkerJones! This calls for crying a fight name calling a poll.

Please vote for the proportionate response:

1. I haven’t chased an ambulance in months. They are too darn fast to keep up with. I just howl with the sirens.

2. You are not allowed to read my blog anymore until you say you’re sorry. Note to self – block IP address 83.170.102.67 , server50320.uk2net.com until sincerely apologetic email arrives.

3. It’s Friday night. Step away from the computer and head down to the pub for a pint of ale.

4. “Looks like someone needs hug,” said Will Farrell to the raccoon in Elf.

5. It’s 2008? When did that happen?

So there, Mister Crabby Fingers.